Tears of a Clown - by Violet

this post was originally published by my alter-ego Sandi at her writers group site, http://spinclass.wordpress.com/2011/06/21/tears-of-a-clown/ 

"Well they’re some sad things known to man, but ain’t too much sadder than the tears of a clown… when there’s no one around… "
(Smokey Robinson and The Miracles)

Once in a while, during my 9 to 5 corporate day job, I can expect to hear a shriek of surprise when my secret identity cover is blown (much like someone discovering Diana Prince is Wonder Woman or Barbara Gordon is Bat-Girl).  “You’re a clown?!” they ask with wide eyed and incredulously stares at the images, pictures and certificates at my desk.  “I’m afraid of Clowns” or “Clowns freak me out” will often be one of the next statements I prepare to expect… “Well I’m sure you just hadn’t met the right Clowns.”  I always sweetly reply, but it breaks my heart and makes me sad every time.

Why do people have this reaction to Clowns?  I have spent much time and thought considering this question.   And I have some theories… the majority of people I encounter who react negatively to clowns are adults, I very very rarely encounter a child over 3 who is overly fearful of me or other clowns.

So why are some of the adults I meet afraid of clowns?  Not to the point of coulrophobia  – but mostly to the previously  mentioned “clowns freak me out” level.  Well, I think there is a combination of reasons. Stephen King’s movie,  IT,  is mentioned to me regularly, as well as Halloween fright fests always having a creepy killer clown.  I also think older – old school – clowns have left negative childhood impressions on the adults I am now having to calmly talk to after they begin to back away from me.  “Old school” Clowns in the 50’s, 60’s, and 70’s may have been a bit more oblivious to a child’s non-verbal queues and may have continued to be an overwhelming, in your face presence, as they couldn’t fathom that a child would not be in love with them…  but it wasn’t always the  Clowns fault, even today I can’t begin to tell you how many parents continue to push little 2 year old Billy or Suzie on us  even as the child is screaming their head off….

And I have a personal theory about clown makeup having to be precisely applied and as symmetrical as possible – as I think deep down in our subconscious, if we see there is something “off” about the human face we have a gut level reaction to it.  I stress about my clown makeup, it takes me an hour to do even my “simple face” because I want to get it right.  And it bothers me when I see casual Clowns, who in my opinion, don’t appear to be taking their craft seriously enough to consider if their eyeliner is crooked or if their nose is on straight… its not just about clowning because YOU love to clown, if you’re serious about it, it’s also about clowning to bring joy and be loved.  And to be loved, you have to be acceptable to a child or your audience even on that subconscious level.

There is so much more, I know – we are often loud and brightly colored, we are overwhelming in sight and sound, often with honking horns, jingling bells, kazoos, noisemakers and popping balloons.  We are a sensory overload.  But know that often these days there are now kinder gentler Clowns.  We get it.  We know that you’re uncomfortable and we respect that and we can back off and not press you and give you your space.

And I am a clown who doesn’t maintain the clown myth to children.  I tell them, “I’m a mom just like your mom”  and “yes you are right, this is a wig and makeup – and is all just make believe.”  (And I don’t know Santa or the Easter Bunny or the tooth fairy…)

But the thing that saddens me the most as a clown is not the fearful or the scared, it’s the rude.  It’s the parents who shove Billy or Suzie in your face and demand, “Hey make a balloon – or – give her a facepainting…” or when you hint to their child afterwards that they should say “please” or thank you” they give YOU the hairy eyeball.

But why did I go into Clowning?  Why did so many of us?  Good intentions: Love of laughter, wanting to share it, and a feeling that there is healing power in this work, this calling.  We forgive the fearful (it’s not their fault) and we try to overlook the rudeness of others – and we keep sharing and caring and laughing and hoping our messages of love and laughter get though to the ones who appreciate and need us and that they will pass it on to others.

So again I say, if you’re afraid of Clowns, its okay, but that’s just because you just hadn’t met the right Clown … until now.  And I’ll help you through this if you want me to, because I cant help myself, I Love you!  - Violet the Clown